L O V E

Love. What does love means? A question so simple with an answer of great depth.

'I love chocolates', 'I love going on holidays', 'I love this song', 'I love Christmas'... sometimes, I use the word so freely, it often represents an act, a gift or anything for that matter that brings me joy and makes me smile.

More often than not, 'I love you' is so easy to say,write,message but is always put to test when situation arises. One's action reflects the intensity of the love, the true essence of how deep and sacrificial it can be, whether it's really about the person we love or more about ourselves. Some profess to love deeply but their actions seem to centered around themselves, out of fear, out of denial, out of lies. Some speak little of their love but their actions show the depth of their love, so consistence, so still, so quiet yet so real. Some are spontaneous with their love while others are slow to love.

So really, what does love means to me? Besides the 5 general love languages of touch,words of affirmation,gifts,quality time and service of service, love is much more robust than that. The 5 languages are mutually exclusive, all are important but just of varying degree.

Yes, "touch" is my top priority but I need my love ones to spend quality time with me as well, to listen to my silly muses,share a cup of hot chocolate,explore new eating hideouts or just lie on the sofa, reading or just doing nothing. I value the act of service like being there when life hits the hardest and words of affirmation that everything will be alright. Gifts that don't have to be expensive like a card or flowers to spring a surprise to a boring day at work or to remind me 'I love you'. So ultimately, all 5 are important, just to what extent.

Time reveals who really love you when they say they do, crisis makes their love shine amongst others, especially when they put you above all things, even themselves.

Happy 4th Month my boy!

Time really flies. It has been a wonderful 4 months.

Dearest Tyler,

You have grown so much (literally as well) and become so interactive. Love your chuckles and the way you try to imitate us. Mommy might have been quite caught up in making sure you are achieving your physical milestones, like : 'are u flipping', 'are you grabbing toys', 'are you sitting up' , 'are you kicking enough'...etc etc... Only to realise, it doesnt matter if you learn them and demonstrate those abilities one week later or earlier, it doesnt really make a difference 2-3 years down the road. When you go to school, teacher won't ask which week you learn to flip, seat or walk. When you go out to work, your employer wouldn't judge your capability by the number of As or distinctions you have achieved. Yes, they get you the job but ultimately, how u succeed depends very much on ur abilities and not your grades. Oh, but hey, you still have to study hard and smart in school my boy. Remind mommy, to enjoy you, every smile, every touch, every chuckle, every cry, everything about you.

Luv,
mommy

Happy Birthday my love !

One year older, one year wiser. More wrinkles to mark the many smiles you had this year. A special someone to share this day with you. Hope you enjoyed yourself with us.

Sun, sand and sea

Playtime for daddies and mommies and our lil' ones. It's good catching up. I am so blessed to have this bunch of friends.

Weekends

Almost the same, except now, we have to occasionally take turns to entertain him.

Us

Overheard:

"So Tyler is the focus of your life now?"

Da man: "No, my wife is still the focus, she is still the most important person in my life."

Normally, I will brush it off as sweet talk if he says it to me. However, hearing him say it to someone else, ever so earnestly, not knowing that I was listening, somehow it sounded very sweet.

Life can be simple

Sometimes, life simple pleasure comes free.

No why, no what and no when

No reason why you surprise me,
No what occasion it can be,
No when should I be pampered.

Simply because you wanna make my day.

Thanks for the flowers Darling.

3rd Month

Happy 3rd Month my love!

Dearest Tyler,

You smile so readily these days and I love it when u chuckle. Thanks for adapting so well in the infant care cos that really puts our heart at ease knowing that you are drinking & sleeping well. Your teacher commented that you are one of the smiley-est baby and an easy one to feed. We never really thought much about your constant smiles (though we really enjoy them) cause we assumed all babies love to smile. We never really thank God for the easy feed cause we assumed all hungry babies will drink and suckle well.

Most importantly, we never really knew how precious it was that you naturally sleep throught the night from 9pm to 5+am after the confinement lady left. Yes...we LOVE u even more for being such an angel when night falls and you simply sleep thru the night, giving Daddy and Mommy couple time, opportunity to wind down and ample rest for work. Mommy took all that for granted, thinking that all babies will know the difference from day and night, that all babies will sleep through till she was told it isnt so. I'm sorry Tyler, I will learn to appreciate you more ok? Please me patient with mommy as she learns along the way to be a better mom.

Heartless

First day in the infant care.

As much as I wished I could do more as a mom, spend more time with Tyler, I still want to hold on to my career and being a stay home mom is not an option, at least, not yet. While many of my close friends have the maternal instinct to be a SAHM after spending the maternity leave with their children, I don't. I wonder if I'm one heartless mommy. Decided to spread out the rest of my maternity leave as half days instead of taking them at one shot. On one hand, I can continue with my work while on the other, I can spread out the time spend with Tyler. Maybe we didn’t spend the full 4 months together and he is still relatively young to recognise and have a sense of attachment to us, he fitted in really well first day in the infant care.

When we left him,he was awake and he simply looked on as we bade him farewell and reminded him we will be back for him. He didn’t cry, neither did he look as if he was going to. Heartless like mommy? Haha.

Da man commented I'm more objective than he is, that I am able to separate my emotions from my mind. Maybe. Yes, my heart does ache when I think of the fact that his cries might not be attended to at times, he will not be hugged and cuddled or played with as much as compared to staying at home. What if he cries due to hunger but no one hears? What if he cries because another kid accidentally hits him? What if he cries because the air-conditioning is too cold in the infant care? Would anyone hold him close and comfort him? Too many what Ifs, far too many scenarios that will cause my decision to waver.

I just got to convince myself, it's life. Some people learn independence at a young age and Tyler might just be one of them. Because he doesn’t have a mom who is self-sacrificial enough to stay at home, he will adapt and survive in another way. I don't love him any lesser than other moms who love their children.

Having a career keeps me motivated, being at work allows me to be connected to the world, I feel alive. I've studied hard, work hard and prepared to pursue more in my career for the sense of satisfaction, for myself. So Tyler, your mommy is one selfish lady...at least in the eyes of others.

Motherhood does not complete me. Motherhood should play a complementary role instead and sweeten one's life and a couple's marriage. Though many have liken having a child to completing a family, a relationship btw husband  and wife, I cant’t agree nor comprehend.

A relationship should be complete before it progresses to marriage. Isn't it? If there is a missing component in a relationship, then something fundamentally must have gone wrong somewhere or it just isn’t meant to be.

If a marriage hinges on having children to bind it together, it's apparent the basics of the marriage isn’t strong. Having a kid would only shift the focus of the couple and push aside the innate problems that plagued the marriage. Some ladies might feel loved or complete seeing their husband take on the role of a dad, seeing how their husband love the child as much as they do. But isn’t it the wrong reason to love someone? Shouldn't we love someone for who they are, how they make us feel, how they tug our hearts and how we can't bear the thought of not having them in our lives? Maybe I just don’t subscribe to the thought of loving my man because he loves my child. It's sweet to have him love our child as much as I do, but I prefer to love him for .... being him.

My dear Tyler, it might seem that mommy is heartless or I don’t place you as my top priority, but that's not true. To love you, I have to first love myself, be happy and find peace with myself, to love your father and ensure that our relationship is strong & loving. I believe, you will naturally feel the love when surrounded with people who love easily and feel loved in return.

I won't hesitate to drop everything I'm doing if you are crying for comfort, I won't hesitate to skip a meal just to feed you, I won't hesitate to forgo shopping just to spend more time with you, I won't hesitate to protect you from danger, I won't hesitate to put my life before yours in any circumstances, most importantly, I won't hesitate to love you with all my might even though I am not sure nor would I mind if it's reciprocated.

I love you, without a doubt.

Date Night

I realised, even as parents, there are different love languages when it comes to loving the same child.

My love language is definitely "Touch" when it comes to a relationship. However, when its towards Tyler, I realised, it's "Time" . I try to spend quality time to show my love for him. Well, I still hug, kiss and lie him on my chest, hold his tiny hands while I feed, cause that's my love language and it all comes naturally. However, I placed "Time" above "Touch" when it comes to loving Tyler.

As for Da man, he is always so consistent. His love language is "act of service", towards me and Tyler. He is the one who makes sure we come home to a clean and conducive environment, have fresh and nice smelling clothes, yummy food to fill the tummy so that my health is taken care of and Tyler's breastmilk will be of good quality. The stuff he does is so laborious and might not be significant to the naked eye but oh-so essential that I chide myself for taking them for granted.

Have I always been so appreciative? Hell no. I threw a fit when I felt he didn’t love Tyler as much as I do or done as much as I did, only to realise, he simply loves Tyler in a different way/language from me and does things that I won't like to do. Oh yes, I can be such a pain sometimes.

Happy 2nd Month Tyler

Happy 2^nd month birthday Tyler.

I like the way you smile when we talk to you. You are getting better at tummy time. We love you more each day too.

Dearest Tyler:

Mommy has decided to be more hands on after ur 1^st month. I carried u often, cleaned your poop, wash you up, changed ur clothes and rocked you to sleep. I realised, I haven’t done all this during your first month. Oh, so much I've missed. Then again, I probably have a lifetime (not exactly) to do all that.

My heart melts when I see you smile in ur sleep. I wonder what you're dreaming of that made you smile that sweetly. Nonetheless, it warms my heart seeing you do so and I enjoy your innocence.

I love hugging u, be it when u are feeding or when I'm putting you to sleep. I love holding your little fingers because you never fail to grasp mine so tightly. I know, I better appreciate such moments before you grow up and will rather be dead than be seen holding your mommy's hand J.

Your Daddy has been amazing. He is very involved when it comes to you. He bathes u every day, feeds you at night and early in the mornings so that Mommy can sleep through the night. He sterilizes the bottles, washes your clothes, folds them, pack your toys and books, plays tummy time with you and reads the bible verses to you. Most importantly, he LOVES you deeply, in his own ways.

Love...

I Love...

I love to snuggle in your arms and rest my head on your chest,

I love to kiss, your lips, your cheeks and even behind your ears,

I love to cuddle up close and soak in your smell,

I love to lie on your lap as you watch TV,

I love to the warmth of your hand as you hold on to mine,

I love your hugs that make me feel so safe

I love the pecks that you plant on my forehead,

I love to rest my shoulder on your head when I feel tired,

I love to watch you as you sleep beside me,

I love to see you smile even from a distance,

I love.....that's the way I love and how I like to be loved. It's that simple.

The Very Hungry Caterpillar

Tyler attended his 1^st birthday party, an interesting theme: The Very Hungry Caterpillar by Eric Carle at Jacob Ballas Garden.

Life took a change but love remains. All it takes is effort to feel the same.

Spent some quality time, just the 2 of us. (Peperoni Pizzaria)

Unmasked

Tidied up my Facebook and looked through my previous posts. I realised I'm more of a 'picture' sharing person rather than an 'emotion' sharing one. The most I will post on my status would be holidays and thank you msg for the well wishes.

I'm an extrovert, who wears my emotions on my sleeves. I smile when I'm happy, I cry when my heart aches, I show my anger, displeasure and excitement. Over the years, I've learnt, to hide some according to situation/circumstances, especially at work while handling customers. However, I realised as I grow older, I tend to be less open about my emotions. I still am to those close to me because really, they are the ones who matter, the ones who genuinely care, who would be an arm away from a hug, a call away to listen, a firm hold away to encourage, a shoulder away for me to cry on.

Whether I'm happy, sad , frustrated, upset or anything that is associated with my feelings, I tend not to post on FB, a social medium that encompasses all my friends including acquaintances, even people whom I feel 'pai-seh' to not accept their requests. I don’t wanna bombard their "Newsfeed"  . Because when I post it on FB, even those who are not interested will be 'force' to know my inner thoughts. And to those who really matter to me, they will know about it in a more intimate way.

I'm certainly not against others who post theirs, it's anyone prerogative. In fact, it's like a real time update of their lives, interesting especially when I'm in the kay-poh mood J

Maybe that's why I chose to blog, to pour my feelings and inner thoughts, those thoughts that will run in my mind which I don't talk about freely, thoughts that only people who really matter and bother read about. I'm private in that sense. I jot down these thoughts so that I can look back from time to time to take stock of my life.

Random

Remind myself, I need to catch my breath and not race to the finishing line neglecting the journey I took.

1 Month Old

You are officially 1 month old today my boy.

                                     

Tyler's milestone:

·         He can turn his head left and right the 1^st day he was born

·         He likes to smile in his dreams and after feeding

·         He can sleep & drink with a poop-filled diaper and not cry at all. Eeks!

·         He can lift his head up slightly when lying on his chest

·         He likes it when we wash his tongue

·         He is rather impatient and will scream if not given milk fast enough

·         He gets bored easily

·         He weights 4.98kg and 55cm long.

Happy 1st Month

Letter to Tyler:

You might not remember the events but the pictures will capture the significant milestones of your presence. The scale of the party does not signify the love we have for you but it's the thought behind and the effort we put in that show the immense love we have for u.

Your 1^st month, 1^st year,2^nd year...and many years to come, we hope to celebrate it with you, with more love than the last, even more the next. Eventually, there might come a year, either your daddy or myself will not be around to spend this special day with you, we want you to know, you have brought us immense joy, taught us so much in life and we cherish every day spent with you.

Heart vs Mind

If only there is a 10 year series on motherhood, it would be selling like hot cakes.

How do I go about being a good Mom? Do I carry when he cries or do I wait for him to self soothe? Do I rock him to sleep on my arms or do I lay him down so that he learns to sleep on his own? Do I feed on demand or do I feed on schedule? There are simply too many books with differing views out there, I am seriously confused.

There are times when I realised, I approached motherhood with my mind rather than my heart. I am cooped up with doing it right rather than enjoying the process. Stocked up books on know-hows, week by week progress and magazines to prepare myself. Should I let my heart guide me along and handle things by feeling? I am not sure which method will be the best for Tyler. Perhaps both, equipped with the knowledge but the heart to discern.

Tyler taught me patience that many things in life are not meant to be hurried. He taught me selflessness as well, that you can do so much for someone who might not (or rather incapable of) show that he/she loves you back and will treat you the same. There is so much to learn about being a mother.

At the same time, I cant help but be mindful that I don’t neglect those around me. Love is to be multiplied and not divided.

Photo shoot

Had a photo shoot for Tyler.

I love the idea of having pictures of him for keepsake because he grows so fast and his looks changes each and everyday. I love taking pictures, believing that they serve as a remembrance of the happy moments in our lives.

Steadfast

Flowers to brighten up my day, to put a smile on my face and to let me know things don’t change simply because I'm a mom.

You do know, nothing beats having u around.

Grass is always greener on the other side

Back and home for 2 days and I've been plagued with engorged breasts. It's one of those unbearable pain as if someone is pumping water into your boobies and waiting for it to burst. The boobies harden like 2 rocks that are stuck on the chest. Tyler has been latching on well and feeding well too, so much so he can go without milk for 4-5hrs. What could be wrong?

A visit to the lactation specialist and acquisition of an electric breast pump made me realised I had more milk than Tyler's needs. Supply exceeding demand.

We prayed for abundance of milk supply prior to popping and God answered. Silly us didn’t realise the implication of oversupply and the lack of knowledge of a  1^st time mom that I have to pump even when Tyler is not requiring to feed.

Life revolves around a 3hr schedule, feeding , expressing, resting for the mere 30mins and the cycle begins again. And the engorgement pain comes every 3hrly too.

Many mothers would love to have my problem, especially those who lack. However, I would prefer to have the problem they are facing, a problem easily resolved by buying a can of formula milk every week. Afterall, it's supplementing breast milk, the baby still gets the benefit of both. Pain is eliminated and easily solved by a trip to the supermarket, rather than having to deal with pain every 3hrly. It's really no joke.

We changed our prayers, to ask Him for sufficient supply to meet Tyler's demand and for the pain to go away.

Seeing him smile when he feeds, gives me the motivation to continue breastfeeding. Having a supportive & understanding husband, eases the emotional and physical strain. Whoever says breastfeeding is good for the child, it better be true.

1st Trip out

First trip out to the paediatrician. The lil' one has jaundice and needs some sun-tanning. Dr Ang commented that Tyler has really strong muscle and is pretty tough.

Back to my pre-pregnancy weight. Boy, the one week battle with engorged breast really speed weight loss. I am beginning to like breast feeding more since it really helps to lose weight.

Happy birthday Tyler

Happy birthday my dearest lil' one. I have decided to document the process so that when he grows up and ask, I would have something to fall back on lest I forget the bits and pieces of the day he arrives.

Upon hearing from the Gynae that I was ready to pop anytime, I feasted on all kinds of food for fear that confinement will be torturous. It started yesterday evening with mild contractions which I put aside as Braxton Hicks. Bearable. However, it lasted the whole night till 3+ in the morning and we decided to time the contractions.

15mins interval...10mins interval...8 mins interval.. should we go to the Hospital? We wanted to wait for 5mins interval before grabbing the bags. We were almost near the hospital when the contractions stopped. Hence, we made a U-turn back home. Lo and behold, it started all over again, this time with a greater intensity when I was about to alight the car. Drove all the way back and was admitted to the delivery ward as I couldn't even stand straight when the contractions came.

It was about 6am when we were admitted. 2 cm dilated and all ready for labour. Epidural is really the best medicine invention ever, side effects aside. The 8hrs dilation process was almost painless because of it. The actual pushing is another story. I have never used so much strength my whole life. Blame it on my unhealthy lifestyle of not exercising after marriage. 1hr odd of pushing and out came Tyler.

Was it teary moment? I guess I was more in shocked and relief when I managed to push him out. Kinda of dazed when they placed Tyler on my chest. The whitish-bluish warm body against mine,I could only look on, stoned.  No tears of joy or awwww moments, I was in total shock I guess. We even had to be prompted by the nurses to take family picture because both of us were just too overwhelmed then.

Tyler was so lil', he seems so fragile when I held on to him. My first experience carrying a baby. He didn't cry when i held on to him, eyes wide opened, he looked at us. Yes, we are officially parents from this moment. Life changing indeed, what's there ahead?


Let my maternal instinct kick in.



Divine message

11 more days to EDD. Would Tyler decide to pop earlier? Da man has constantly been praying for signs to let us know when I will pop. How? I often wondered.

I had fake contraction last weekend, Braxton Hicks. It was an eventful Sat night where both of us started counting the intervals between contractions to gauge if I needed to be admitted. It turned out to be a false alarm. At least now we are more prepared should the real "Thing" begins.

The supposedly 2^nd last visit to the Gynae today at 2pm. Lo and behold, Dr Wong had an emergency C-sect and we had to wait for 1hr instead. While we were having tea at Delifrance, I felt a sudden gush but decided to ignore it thinking it might be a false alarm again. As we walked to the clinc, I realised I stained my dress. It was blood red. Why was I bleeding?

Went up to the clinic and so coincidentally, it was my turn. I didn't have time to clean up. Upon hearing that I stained my dress, Dr Wong exclaimed it might just be "The Show".  2cm dilated and muscus plug out.....it could be anytime these couple of days. There goes my Shangri-la The Line buffet with the team.

"Shall we go home and rest?" Da man asked gently. I shoke my head, " I need to go back to the office and settle my work first." Work- the only thing I cant let go during times like this.

God is good. If the Gynae didn't have an emergency C-sect, I would have left the clinic before "The Show" of muscus plug and brushed the bleeding as a result of the swipe test performed by the gynae. However, the delay resulted in us knowing I will pop anytime from today, latest National Day.

We have time to prepare but one can never be totally prepared.

Tyler: Soon my love, soon...

Irreversible Move

Weekends are more precious these days, sleeping-ins would be a rare commodity in future, zapping here and there will require planning more than at our whims and fancy, a irreversible change in life is about to happen real soon.

Places that lighten up my weekends, food that bring smiles on my face..weekends, they've never been so precious.....

Happy Father's Day

Happy Father’s Day.

Made a lil’ gift for Da Man on behalf of Tyler, to thank him for everything he has done so far.

Happy Father’s Day