First day in the infant care.
As much as I wished I could do more as a mom, spend more time with Tyler, I still want to hold on to my career and being a stay home mom is not an option, at least, not yet. While many of my close friends have the maternal instinct to be a SAHM after spending the maternity leave with their children, I don't. I wonder if I'm one heartless mommy. Decided to spread out the rest of my maternity leave as half days instead of taking them at one shot. On one hand, I can continue with my work while on the other, I can spread out the time spend with Tyler. Maybe we didn’t spend the full 4 months together and he is still relatively young to recognise and have a sense of attachment to us, he fitted in really well first day in the infant care.
When we left him,he was awake and he simply looked on as we bade him farewell and reminded him we will be back for him. He didn’t cry, neither did he look as if he was going to. Heartless like mommy? Haha.
Da man commented I'm more objective than he is, that I am able to separate my emotions from my mind. Maybe. Yes, my heart does ache when I think of the fact that his cries might not be attended to at times, he will not be hugged and cuddled or played with as much as compared to staying at home. What if he cries due to hunger but no one hears? What if he cries because another kid accidentally hits him? What if he cries because the air-conditioning is too cold in the infant care? Would anyone hold him close and comfort him? Too many what Ifs, far too many scenarios that will cause my decision to waver.
I just got to convince myself, it's life. Some people learn independence at a young age and Tyler might just be one of them. Because he doesn’t have a mom who is self-sacrificial enough to stay at home, he will adapt and survive in another way. I don't love him any lesser than other moms who love their children.
Having a career keeps me motivated, being at work allows me to be connected to the world, I feel alive. I've studied hard, work hard and prepared to pursue more in my career for the sense of satisfaction, for myself. So Tyler, your mommy is one selfish lady...at least in the eyes of others.
Motherhood does not complete me. Motherhood should play a complementary role instead and sweeten one's life and a couple's marriage. Though many have liken having a child to completing a family, a relationship btw husband and wife, I cant’t agree nor comprehend.
A relationship should be complete before it progresses to marriage. Isn't it? If there is a missing component in a relationship, then something fundamentally must have gone wrong somewhere or it just isn’t meant to be.
If a marriage hinges on having children to bind it together, it's apparent the basics of the marriage isn’t strong. Having a kid would only shift the focus of the couple and push aside the innate problems that plagued the marriage. Some ladies might feel loved or complete seeing their husband take on the role of a dad, seeing how their husband love the child as much as they do. But isn’t it the wrong reason to love someone? Shouldn't we love someone for who they are, how they make us feel, how they tug our hearts and how we can't bear the thought of not having them in our lives? Maybe I just don’t subscribe to the thought of loving my man because he loves my child. It's sweet to have him love our child as much as I do, but I prefer to love him for .... being him.
My dear Tyler, it might seem that mommy is heartless or I don’t place you as my top priority, but that's not true. To love you, I have to first love myself, be happy and find peace with myself, to love your father and ensure that our relationship is strong & loving. I believe, you will naturally feel the love when surrounded with people who love easily and feel loved in return.
I won't hesitate to drop everything I'm doing if you are crying for comfort, I won't hesitate to skip a meal just to feed you, I won't hesitate to forgo shopping just to spend more time with you, I won't hesitate to protect you from danger, I won't hesitate to put my life before yours in any circumstances, most importantly, I won't hesitate to love you with all my might even though I am not sure nor would I mind if it's reciprocated.
I love you, without a doubt.
